By Debbie Block-Schwenk
“I want to be a gay pop star for a week and then come back
and tell you my adventures.” This is an actual line from a
breakfast conversation at my house. I was telling Kevin about
Mika, the British pop star who—over the past few years—has
gone from “don’t label me” to “I guess you could say I’m
bisexual” to “I guess you could say I’m gay.”
Kevin’s not particularly a fan of Mika’s music, but he’s happy
to engage in the thought experiment of being in the singer’s
shoes. Even though Kevin’s straight, he’s not narrow: he is
happy to engage in these thought experiments, to tease me
with speculation of what he might be like if he were bi and
to be himself rather than some caricature of strictly-defined
I can’t offer up a perfect recipe for a successful marriage. All
I can offer are anecdotes. Every marriage involves unique
individuals, and differences in sexual orientation might be
the least of them. For me, though, it’s not only important
that Kevin isn’t homophobic or biphobic, but that he can
imagine what it might be like to be bisexual. Imagination:
one required ingredient.
We have a lot in common and I’m grateful for that every
day. Tonight I took a break from writing this so we could
watch an episode of “Torchwood: Miracle Day” together.
No, we don’t always like the same shows or the same music,
but the odds are pretty good that our tastes will overlap. We
work on political campaigns together. We play in the same Dungeons & Dragons game. Maybe most importantly, we
enjoy just spending time together. Friendship: without it,
the taste would be flat.
Kevin has also become a friend to many in the bi community
here in Boston. I love the women-only atmosphere of the
BBWN brunches (everyone needs her own space) but I’m
also glad that when we attend other events, Kevin is not
only welcomed, his company is enjoyed. Community: it
adds body and support.
Days get frantic and life gets busy, but we always make time
to say that we love each other and to thank each other for
doing chores and helping each other. Kindness, compassion,
love—I don’t need to tell you that without these ingredients
there just won’t be much flavor.
Passion gives the mix its required kick (also see imagination, above).
Finally, a generous sprinkling of laughter adds zest to the
mixture. Laughing together is joyful; it is healing; it is
Shake, stir, mix well. Laugh. Enjoy. May each who is seeking
it find the right recipe for your own happiness.
Debbie lives with her spouse and four cats in Boston.