By Sara Volumnia Fox
At a table in a crowded restaurant in downtown Toronto one cool Autumnal day, my friend and I were discussing the time of our lives during which I had decided to cut off all contact with him. The reason for this drastic decision would be the entry point to my first coming out experience as identifying as polyamorous. In some ways coming out as poly feels like a “third” coming out to me. The first coming out entailed admitting I was bisexual, the second as being kinky and now as polyamorous.
But my story didn’t start on that Autumnal day. The actual starting place for my coming out as poly-identified is as elusive as trying to pinpoint when I first realized I was bisexual. Of course I have memories I piece together to make my life more understandable to others. I have always been the person I am today, but only in the last two years have I learned the language of polyamory, and that has enabled me to come out to myself.
Although I have several close poly-identified friends whom I have always accepted, I never considered myself open to polyamory until this summer. Perhaps open isn’t the right word, considering my realization that I could indeed have the capacity to develop feelings for multiple people had left me quite closed. The internal struggle I faced upon realizing that I had been repressing my feelings because of social scripts rendered me more vulnerable and left me silent. This silence would lead me to push away those I cared about because I was too afraid to admit to myself that I was poly.
I remember the first time I had heard the word “poly.” It was uttered from the lips of someone I was interested in. He thought I might have feelings for his ex-girlfriend who had introduced the two of us years earlier at her birthday party. I remember that party so well. He would have a lasting impression on me as someone whom I admired as a free spirit; someone whom I could have sworn would be open to being poly himself. I recall feeling so offended and dumbfounded when he asked me if I considered myself to be monogamous or open to being polyamorous. The sole reason for my shock at being asked was because I considered myself monogamous at the time. The mere question felt like a threat to my selfhood. But, I would never forget being asked this question as it opened the door to my own selfquestioning a year later. A question I would reveal the answer to on that Autumnal evening with my friend.
The restaurant was crowded and warm. Couples sat around us eating their cheesecake and coffee. Students marked papers and the air was saturated and the room grew stuffy. I needed to get air so I spoke.
“So, the reason we stopped talking wasn’t anything bad really…” I said to Griffin (name changd to protect his identity) with a rather hurried and uncensored pace.
“Ok…” he replied with a tone of confusion.
“I was just confused. I was dating François and I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. But, I knew that I had feelings for you despite it all. I thought it was best to get distance from you,” I said, feeling ashamed and like a weight was slowly lifting off my back.
“I knew it. I thought something was off.” He replied with a tone of vindication but added that he wanted to give me my space.
“So, I basically realized something. I…ummm…well…I think I’m open to being poly. I mean I realize that this isn’t the first time I have liked two guys at once. I want to explore this part of myself and stop denying it, I know it was the reason for my break-up and well, that’s it.” I sighed, I had said it. Spat it out and no holds barred. We sat in silence for a while.
“Actually I have been thinking about it too. I mean I’ve gone to the 519 [Toronto’s LGBT Centre] myself and, well, I think I’m probably not monogamous, either,” he replied.
Wait, this seemed too good to be true. The last time I came out to a close friend as being bisexual years earlier the same thing happened. I had a friend for whom I had feelings but whom I avoided telling because I was in a monogamous relationship at the time. Now that I disclosed these feelings to him, he admitted to being open to polyamory as well! I was floored, to say the least. I felt simultaneously accepted and shocked.
But getting to the point of being OK with even thinking about the possibility of being polyamorous has taken a very long time. A year earlier I was thinking of breaking up with my then-partner because I had developed an emotional connection to a close friend who was in a relationship. My partner knew something was wrong and when the break-up was approaching he asked me directly if I had been cheating on him. Although I did not sexually cheat on him I felt I had emotionally cheated on him because I thought I wasn’t allowed to have extraneous emotional connections with other guys aside from my boyfriend at the time. This isn’t my only memory of developing strong romantic or loving connections with multiple people simultaneously. All the people whom I found myself attracted and connected with, in hindsight, I would have considered dating had I been able to come out to myself earlier as polyamorous. Until I was able to come out to myself the feelings I had towards multiple people just ended up as feelings of guilt and shame rather than sources of positivity and joy.
As a newly out poly person who is currently dating, as I am putting more effort into practicing radical honesty and clear communication. By radical honesty I mean exposing my innermost feelings and thoughts without an internal censor. It isn’t easy to do this in a society where we are taught to hide that which makes us vulnerable through numbing or self-repression. What would the daily lives of folks look like if they were given the self-allowance to tell their bosses how they really felt? Radical honesty entails the willingness to put one’s inner truth before the desire to remain silent and keep things “the way they are” to prevent change. Changing the dynamics of any relationship/friendship is risky and disclosing how you really feel towards someone (whether it occurred in the past or was occurring today) can alter the trajectory of that relationship, for better or worse.
This brings me to my last point regarding dating as a poly-person who lives a busy life. Time, honesty and communication are cornerstones to any fulfilling relationship. I am learning that being poly doesn’t guarantee that I will have the ability to always be able to balance these facets but that I am aware of their importance. Recently, I decided to tell a close friend that I felt neglected in our friendship. She said it wasn’t personal and that she had been “quite busy.” “Busy” to me meant she wasn’t prioritizing our friendship and needless to say I told her it was a “lame excuse.” Normally, I would have kept silent and accepted “busy” as a valid excuse. But, today I was turning over a new leaf. She ended up apologizing (this was occurred via text messages) and accepted that she had slipped up. The importance of this example is that if you are going to call yourself poly (as she does) then finding a way to make time for friends, partners, partners of partners, etc., will mean you make less time for others who in turn can feel hurt. Although you aren’t responsible for anyone’s feelings aside from your own, you have to at least respectfully and honestly acknowledge when you make mistakes in the area of time management.
Dating is a way to learn what you value and how you want to grow as a person in relation to others. Although I have no intention to marry for at least another ten years, I realize that my relationships will not all last. I want to be able to date multiple people with the intention that each relationship will enrich my life; that we will help one another grow; that we have a strong connection and communication and that we have fun and laugh together. Relationships aren’t something I want to jump into and taking the time to get to know someone without making a sexual commitment can mean all the difference. Casual sex and polyamory aren’t the same thing for me. In fact, it has become increasingly difficult for me to engage in casual sex now that I have come out as polyamorous. The temptation is always there, but I know that having a fuck buddy just doesn’t cut it for me. It is much more of a turn-on to have a meaningful, deep, emotional connection to me than to have sex only with someone I’m attracted and interested in.
If you have questioned your dating history and found yourself being drawn to two or more people, then perhaps you might want to question your ideas on monogamy. In the very least, you might try attending a discussion group on polyamory. This is what I intend to do next this month in the hopes of learning from the experiences of others and deepening my own understanding of the type of polyamory I am developing through dating.
Sara is a 24-year-old queer feminist from Toronto, Ontario, who actively participates in her local anti-violence movement