Interview by Deb Morley
I met Ellyn eight years ago at a BBWN brunch that I attended when I first moved to the Boston area. I have found her to be a great inspiration in the various ways she connects with and builds queer community. It’s both an honor and a pleasure to interview my first Boston friend for this issue of Bi Women.
Deb: What does the word “bisexual” mean to you, and how does it apply to your life?
Ellyn: To me, being bisexual means having a sexuality that isn’t limited by the sex or gender of the people you are attracted to. You just recognize that you can be attracted to a person for very individual reasons. I became aware of my capacity to be attracted to both men and women in college. I used to say that I was “sexual” and felt that should explain it (I’ve heard quite a few other bi folks say this as well over time), but soon found out that sexual politics are much too complicated and you really need to identify in a way that explains a bit more to other people. I know a lot of people (especially younger folks) don’t feel the term “bisexual” explains their identity any more. I still like it for myself, but I don’t think there is any term that can capture the complexity of how any individual bi person expresses their sexuality. We are all so different that it truly is a short answer kind of thing, not a multiple-choice response.
DM: You mentioned that a lot of people don’t feel the term “bisexual” explains their identity. I’ve heard some say the term is outdated, or too exclusive in meaning. What do you think?
ER: I still call myself bi or bisexual because it feels comfortable for me after being out for over 20 years as such. I understand other people’s feelings towards the word and I know different generations like to discover new terminology but I’m happy with it. It’s not unique to us. I’ve dated various women-loving women who each hated to use one or more of the terms lesbian, dyke, or queer—depending on their age, race, nationality, and experience. Everyone doesn’t have to use the same identifying words as long as we keep communicating and working together.
DM: You’ve been a bi activist for quite some time. Can you share a situation in which you felt most gratified by this work? How about a time when you felt most challenged?
ER: One of the things I really enjoy about bi community activism is the larger gatherings where people get to see each other and feel validated by each other. Those are great. Also, while I was a commissioner on the Massachusetts Commission for GLBT Youth, I had the opportunity to travel around the state and meet with gay/straight alliance members in many different settings. When some bi students talked about their own experiences of biphobia in their families or with their friends I felt good about being able to talk with them about resources and strategies for dealing with those experiences. I still feel the most challenged when the gay and lesbian community makes yet another faux pas by not inviting bi people to a national march, or not using inclusive language in a civil rights campaign that I’m a part of, or when I hear a biphobic comment in a queer community setting that suddenly makes me feel uncomfortable and I have to figure out how to constructively engage the person to rethink what s/he said. I’ve done a lot of anti-racism work and diversity training work over the years and I’ve heard many people of color talk about being tired of having to constantly teach white people about racism and their experiences. They want white people to do some of the work themselves, and I heartily agree. And even though I see myself as a person who wants to engage and educate within the LGBT community, I also wish others would do some more of their own antibiphobia work.
DM: Besides the Boston area, where else have you lived and experienced bi community? In comparison, what is unique about Boston’s community?
ER: I’ve lived in two other communities since I’ve come out. One was Northampton, Massachusetts and the other was Columbus, Ohio. I was so excited to be out in such a queer-positive space as Northampton but it happened to be in 1989-1991 when the Pride parade went through a huge controversy about whether to include bisexuals or not. One year we were added and the next year we were removed. The local Queer Nation contingent took a pro-bi stance and organized people to walk at the front of the official parade with a big banner that said “Bisexual.” There were several official Pride speakers who gave hateful anti-bi speeches provoking other protests by the crowd. I knew many people in Northampton who were supportive, but as a community at that time it was not very friendly to bis.
I lived in Columbus, Ohio in the early 90s and was involved with a local LGBT group and a small bi-specific group. I think the thing about Columbus is that there were still a lot of people in the LGBT community who were not completely out and that seemed to exacerbate the situation for bisexuals. One of my favorite memories is when the Ohio State group brought Lani Ka’ahumanu to campus to talk about bisexuality. That was great!
Boston’s bi community does seem to be special. We are established, we have several organizations serving different needs, and lots of us are very invested within the great LGBT community as well. I love the Boston bi community and feel incredibly comfortable within it.
DM: What message do you have for queer youth?
ER: Get involved in your community. Find a group to connect with and be active within it. It doesn’t have to be political involvement, but find ways to learn about your community and how you can contribute to it. Many communities now have great resources for queer youth and there are often good organizations where you can feel safe and gain your confidence with your identity while also building leadership skills. If you can’t find a community near you, find it virtually. You are not alone! Also, visit the new resources at biyouth.org and tell others about them, too.
Deb is a fun-loving bi woman who lives in Arlington, MA and enjoys hanging out with other bi and bi-friendly folks.