By Elizabeth M. Mechem
How my spirituality and sexuality relate to one another is often in the forefront of my mind. I’m an extremely active member of my church. My job as the office secretary, combined with my regular volunteer duties, has me in the church at least six days each week. As far as I’m aware, I am the only bisexual church member out on any level. My pastor, most of my co-workers, and a few others, including some members on the Congregational Council, know that I am bisexual. Still, this only amounts to fewer than a dozen people out of the entire congregation.
The greater church, the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA), is relatively liberal when it comes to LGBT issues. The ELCA allows individual congregations to make decisions on LGBT inclusion, and since 2009 has allowed pastors in same-gender relationships to be ordained. The ELCA also allows pastors to perform same-gender marriages, if they so choose. Open and affirming congregations in the ELCA are known as “Reconciling in Christ” congregations. My church is now looking into becoming one of these congregations.
In light of this, and after much deliberation, I have made the decision to become more visible in my church. When discussing this with others, I have received questions from Christians both inside and outside of the LGBT community: Why should any church be specifically welcoming to LGBT people? Why do I feel the need to bother coming out at all? Why the term “Reconciling”? How do Christians so at odds with one another approach reconciliation? As part of my decision making process to become more visible, I have also sought answers to these same questions.
Why do we need to explicitly welcome the LGBT community? As many of us know all too intimately, persecution of our community continues. While we have seen the climate change towards full inclusion of LGBT people over the past few years, there is still much work to do. Full inclusion is about more than marriage. People are still being excommunicated from their churches, disowned by their own families, and experiencing terrible violence and hatred all in the name of God. LGBT people of all denominations are leaving religion behind because they have been taught, and truly believe, that God hates who they are. For bisexuals who are continually marginalized by both the heterosexual and homosexual communities, the situation is even worse. For bisexuals, the rates of poverty, partner violence, and suicide are significantly higher than those of lesbians or gay men.
Motivated by my own bad experiences, I once thought it was best to remain out only to a select few at church. I am married with children, which changes the presumption from “possibly lesbian,” to “definitely straight.” I could easily remain silent and live out my life. Nobody else would ever know. Hiding a huge part of my identity, however, has been slowly suffocating me. Being closeted deeply conflicts with everything I want for myself. I want to be honest and open about who I am, and to do so without ridicule, abuse, and rejection. I want to be accepted for who I am, not mistaken for something I am not.
Remaining closeted implies that I feel shameful about who I am. I am not ashamed of being bisexual. I’m a complete human being, created with a beautiful spirit by a loving God. I did not choose my sexuality. Sexuality is a gift to us from God. God created me with a unique purpose, gracing me with many gifts. How can I become who God desires me to be if I can’t embrace any one of my God-given gifts, including my sexuality?
Like most bisexual women, this is far from my first coming out experience. Because people identify us by our relationships, we continually have to assert our bisexual identity. I know what I’ll be facing when I do it at this church. Some in my church family might be afraid of what this will mean, afraid of me, and of what I might represent. They fear that they will be responsible for my words and actions. They fear that I will spread my perceived “disease.” They may even fear for my eternal soul and possibly their own.
I’m afraid, too. I’m afraid of being ostracized, outcast, ignored, discounted, erased, utterly rejected. I fear for my family, my loving husband and my children, that they will become targets of the rejection, hate, and derision I have known so intimately. When I come out, they come out with me.
Not every bisexual person is ready to be visible. It can take many years, a lot of strength, and a certain level of safety not afforded to everyone. At one time, these were legitimate concerns of my own. However, right now I am loved. My marriage is safe. My town is safe. My church is, as I’m discovering, becoming safe and my pastor is supportive.
I’m beginning to see that my fear is merely a relic of years spent in rejection, intolerance, abuse and shame. Fear has consequences. Letting fear guide me, instead of God’s loving Grace, I wrongfully presumed my church family would react in hate. I have not given them any chance to show me love and acceptance, and instead have unfairly judged many of them as bigots. I have denied myself the love and support of those closest to me. I have isolated myself, and am partly to blame for the terrible loneliness I often feel. Even worse, by hiding myself, I have not been there to support others like me in our congregation, contributing to their isolation as well.
The word “Reconciling,” in “Reconciling in Christ,” is important because it means “coming together.” God desires us to be reconciled with one another, calling us out of our fear into communion with God and each other, sharing our lives, our hopes, and our struggles. Flawed and unforgiving, however, we continue to wallow in our own pride and stubbornness. We insist on remaining separated.
Christ came for the whole world, not just some, to bring all people together as one, in love. This is the Good News! God’s love crosses all human boundaries. Our human divisions simply do not exist in the true light of God. “There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).
How do we get over our selfish tendencies and reconcile? Many of the conversations we’ve had in the past haven’t brought us together, but have only further divided us. We are skilled at using scripture as a weapon. We twist the meaning of scripture resulting in exclusion, misunderstanding, shame, hate and, ultimately, our enslavement in fear.
To truly reconcile, we begin as Christ commands us; we begin by loving one another. We engage scripture in a way that unites us instead of dividing us. We pray for one another; for guidance, healing, and for mutual understanding. We have honest conversations about the subject of full inclusion with hearts full of love. Instead of talking about one another, we listen to one another, putting our fears aside. We hear everybody out, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us or how we feel about what is said.
It is possible to build a church of love, where we proudly welcome all of God’s children without exception. It is possible for us all to move out of our slavery to fear and into reconciliation with one another. We can do this only if we face down our fears and are willing to believe that God can change hearts and minds. We don’t have to do it alone. God never expects us to do it alone. God walks with us, always, especially as we work towards truly living the lives we are called to live as one human family, baptized in the Body of Christ together.
Elizabeth currently lives in Lawrence, KS, with her family. She spends her mornings as a church office secretary, and her afternoons running her three daughters around town.