By Amber Terner
Before being asked this question, the idea had literally never crossed my mind, which was pretty unbelievable since my sister had come out as a lesbian about a year earlier. One would think that having a gay sister would have led me, at least once, to entertain the idea of kissing someone of the same sex. However, growing up in a super religious family, we were taught that homosexuality was not only a sin but one of the worst sins we could commit. Because it had been engrained in us, I firmly believed that we never question our parents and certainly never question “God” or what we were taught in church. We were told that having sex with someone of our same sex was an abomination, and additionally, we were taught that sex with someone of the opposite sex was only to be had after marriage. Now, that was problematic because I have always been a super sexual being. I never allowed myself to even daydream about kissing girls and therefore I ended up being extremely boy crazy from a very young age.
Looking back, I was always drawn to butch women and gender queer individuals. They were my people, but I thought I was drawn to them because they were outsiders and I wanted to be near them in order to be their ally and make them feel normal and loved in a strictly platonic way. But, once my lips touched a woman’s, a whole new world opened up for me. That exact moment was the first time in my life that I felt balanced. I could not believe that I enjoyed it so much. I did not understand why even after everything that I had been taught, this did not feel wrong in any way. I instantly understood that all the times in my past when I had been “jealous” of another woman’s body that I had been simply attracted to her. Those times that I “just wanted to be friends” with a baby-faced butch, I actually wanted to ask her on a date. Those instances of feeling intrigue after meeting a very effeminate man were actually sexual attraction. The world seemed so much bigger and brighter, and I felt like I had been given a gift, the opportunity to find sexual balance in my life. I no longer felt so boy crazy that I couldn’t finish my homework, or so sexually frustrated that I couldn’t sleep at night. I felt “normal” and not overrun by my sexual drive toward men.
Over the next year, I dealt with a lot of internalized homophobia and received very little support from my sister, who did not understand my dramatic shift from hyper boy crazy to balanced sexual peace in my bisexuality. However, I had a wonderful counselor and the support of allied groups, where I was able to be perceived as an ally until I was brave enough to come out. I stopped going to the church that told me I was going to hell and found a more personal spirituality that worked for me. I began to make connections with other like-minded queer people through the Internet. The more LGBT people I met, the more normalized my sexuality became. When I was finally ready to come out, I began to see and understand that bisexuality was not the easiest identity to label myself. People often responded that I was choosing that label because it was safer, that I was just trying to straddle the gay/straight fence, which was frustrating because I did not find full support from either side because I was bi. It was especially difficult, and still is, to continually correct people when they assume, because I am automatically a lesbian because am married to a woman. When I meet new people, the last thing I see is their sex. I do not care what anatomy is between their legs. I see their essence, their energy, and their heart. That is what I am attracted to. Like I told my mother (who did not understand that if I was attracted to both sexes, why I would not choose to be with a man as God wanted), I cannot choose who I fall in love with. The person I fell in love with just happened to be a female-bodied being. That does not mean that I am not still deeply attracted to men. Lucky for me, I have an open marriage, and I will continue to be able to express that love and sexual attraction that I find for others through our negotiated boundaries. There are so many beautiful people in this world and I feel blessed to be someone whose ability to love extends beyond anatomy and sex and gender.
Amber was recently married and just celebrated her fourth year with her husbutch. She is thankful for the success of her open marriage, which allows her to continue to engage in relationships with others, including men.