By Fennel
Having kids or not can be a potentially fraught issue for some women. There are myriad reasons why someone may be in this situation. Some of them include: miscarriage, couldn’t find a partner and didn’t want to do it solo, couldn’t afford in vitro fertilization or freezing eggs, tried to adopt and it didn’t work out, couldn’t afford the costs of raising them, and many others, or just plain didn’t want to! Another person’s choices are none of your business, especially if they are not harming anyone. Let’s respect each other’s choices and not put others on the spot.
When talking to women without children, it’s important to approach the conversation with sensitivity and respect. Avoiding certain topics or comments can help ensure that the discussion is positive and inclusive. See below for the kinds of questions you may want to avoid that can apply pressure and feel invasive, followed by questions that can give the conversation more spaciousness and ease, and can evoke curiosity, empowering the responder.
These are examples of questions or comments a woman without children may feel are insensitive:
• “So, do you have children?” (Not a great way to start out a conversation.)
• “You’re missing out on the best part of life!” (This can seem condescending and judgmental.)
• “When are you going to have children?” (Assumptive that you will have children.)
• “You don’t know what love is until you have children.” (There is more than one kind of love, and assuming this is the only or best way excludes and marginalizes people who make different choices, whatever their reason. Don’t assume that their life is incomplete or that they need to justify their choices.)
• “Who is going to take care of you when you get older?” (Even folks who have children are not guaranteed that the kids will live nearby or be good caretakers.)
• “Don’t you get bored without children?” (This implies their life has no structure or meaning.)
• “You’ll change your mind about not having children.” (This undermines their autonomy and decision-making.)
• “What’s the real reason you don’t want children?” (This question is invasive and assumes there’s a hidden or negative reason behind their choice.)
Consider some of these open-ended conversation starters instead:
• How have you been spending your time these days? How is that project/goal you’ve mentioned going?
• What have you been streaming/reading lately?
• What brings you the most joy these days? What are some things you’re excited about right now?
• If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why? What are some pros and cons of living in the area you do?
• Are you an animal lover? Tell me about your animal companions.
By focusing on these more inclusive and respectful questions and conversation openers, you can foster positive and engaging conversations without unintentionally offending or making assumptions about women without children. Finally, respect their choices. You may not know why their life is the way it is. Try to understand that not everyone follows the same life path and that’s okay.
Fennel (she/her) makes her home in Boston, Massachusetts. She loves having easy access to all the beautiful nature in New England, a vibrant foodie scene, and especially being only 75 minutes from the beach! Yes to dogs, coffee, and reproductive justice!