By Sharon Gonsalves
It all started in the late 1970s when I was in high school and the women’s movement was in full swing. It was clear to me that I had choices—more choices than my mother did—about what to do with my life. There was an assumption in my family that my siblings and I would all go to college. Whatever we did after that was up to us. Well, I decided I wanted financial freedom. I adamantly did not want to be dependent on a man for a home or financial stability. My independence was important, and that meant no children. Having children would require a lot of my time, and I wanted to be my own boss. Marriage and family were not in my immediate future. Although I appreciate my mother very much for all she did to raise me, this was not the direction I wanted to go in for myself.
Not so coincidently, in my early 20s I came out, first as a lesbian separatist in an effort to keep abusive men away from me, and later as bisexual, once I had healed enough from incidents of abuse to trust myself and men more. As a lesbian, the decision to have children would have to be very deliberate. No “mistakes” there. As a bisexual woman, there were possibilities, but I was still not interested. Alternative models of relationships included living in intentional community, which made more sense to me than pairing up with one person in an exclusive relationship. I was living in Boston and, thanks to the Boston Bisexual Women’s Network, I had plenty of like-minded friends for support and socializing.
There was a small amount of pressure from my family to have children. My siblings and I would joke about how my mother posted photographs of all her friends’ grandchildren on her refrigerator (hint, hint) since none of us were providing her with the pleasures of being a grandma. We all thank our youngest sister who, finally, at age 30, had her first child. The pressure was off the rest of us, and we could see how happy our parents were to have finally ‘joined the club.’
After college, I studied electronics and got settled into a money-making career fixing computers. Sharing housing with friends allowed me to save some of my income. Being childfree allowed me to go away on vacations effortlessly, and I discovered that I enjoyed being in the tropics—Bermuda, Aruba, and Key West were a few of my winter destinations. Eventually, I moved to Hawaii and opened my own vacation rental business. Now, I really was my own boss.
When I reached my early 40s, the decision about whether or not to have children came up again. My biological clock was ticking. It was now or never. I felt interested in exploring the possibilities, but the idea of giving birth had terrified me. How was something as big as a baby going to come out of my vagina? I became a doula and attended births to demystify the process. Then I looked for someone to share the journey with me, in the hopes that I might become pregnant. My doula role connected me with new parents, some of whom were seeking nannies for their infants. I dove into training for parenthood and to see what childrearing was really like, up-close and personal. The rewards were many, the biggest one being the shower of unconditional love pouring on me from the infants I cared for. I basked in the glow of receiving, but also was glad at the end of the day when I could go home and have time and space for myself. I walked through infancy and toddlerhood side-by-side with two beautiful beings and discovered that parenting was not for me. I still wanted my freedom. By this time, I had not found a partner to raise a child with, so I let go of this idea, and I have no regrets.
Not much later, being childfree allowed me to move back to the mainland to help care for my father when a terminal cancer diagnosis arose. My mother would not have been able to care for dad on her own, and a nursing home was the only alternative. I dutifully and happily dropped everything and moved in with my parents. None of my siblings were in a position to help full time, and my caregiving experience had prepared me for this opportunity. Dad had a peaceful end of life at home, and I am so grateful to have had this experience. It was the right thing at the right time and led to a beautiful conclusion for us all.
I stayed on with Mom for another year after my father died, then returned to Boston where I still had friends and went back to working full time. I strengthened ties with my family members and got back to earning money, this time focused on my upcoming retirement. Again, being childfree made it easy to move around, make changes, and be concerned only with my own needs. I visited mom regularly and also had my own life, sharing living expenses and socializing with friends. A few years later, another opportunity came my way. My niece moved in with Mom and I headed back to Hawaii, where I am once again enjoying the beauty of nature, the warm breezes, and being surrounded by friends.
Childfree has been a good decision for me. Now that I’m 65, I feel more interested in settling down with a long-time partner. There are no offspring to take care of me in my old age, but I have friends and community who will be there for me. I’m grateful that I had the choice to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to motherhood.
Sharon Gonsalves lives in Hawaii and has identified as bisexual for over 40 years.