By Colleen
My name is Colleen, and I am a lesbian-identified, bisexual, polyamorous, transsexual, practicing Roman Catholic. Despite the fact that such sentences are usually spoken at 12-step recovery meetings, I am not a “recovering catholic” (Cathoholic?), nor a lapsed Catholic, nor an ex-Catholic. I play guitar for the church choir, a service I have performed for most of my life, beginning in my teen years. For me, it is a form of worship, as well as hopefully inspiring to others in their worship. I am fully formed in my faith, it is part of who I am, and I would be bereft if what I see as my ministry were to be taken away from me. However, I am fully aware that I live with the possibility of just such an eventuality. Most of the parish, including the clergy, don’t know my gender history, nor my sexual orientation, although my car has a rainbow sticker on the rear bumper, as well as a marriage equality sticker, and I have a rainbow lei hanging from the rear-view mirror. I lead the local trans* peer-support group and write articles occasionally for the local newspaper, so it is probably just a matter of time until the local clergy becomes aware of at least portions of my situation. The Catholic Church does not currently have a formal policy about transsexuality; however, early indications are not promising.
There are probably many who would tell me I am still deeply in denial, that my Church has worked tirelessly for repression of the LGBT community, as well as being guilty of grave sins against vulnerable children entrusted to its care; however for me, the Church is about the Word of God, and my personal relationship with Him, and I hold separate the acts of evil men in Her (the Church’s) name.
Perhaps it’s like others’ views of bisexuality. They would say, “You can’t have it both ways.” Well, I DO have it both ways, at least sexually, and I worship in my way and provide service to the Church in which I’ve found a great deal of meaning and relevance.
That’s not to say I don’t struggle. Sometimes the sermon seems to single me out, to tell me my life is based on lies, and I won’t deny that I bore a significant amount of internalized homophobia, biphobia and sex-phobia due to Church teachings. However, I know that my life as it stands right now is based on Truth, whereas the life I led before was one big lie. I know that my sexuality is not a “lifestyle choice,” but comes to me from God; it is how He made me, just as He made me transsexual, just as he set before me the journey of my life. He gave me the gift of Free Will, which allows me the freedom to react to this journey in a way that’s meaningful for me. I could have chosen not to transition, but I feel certain that would not have been in alignment with His purpose for me. I choose to have multiple lovers, but I also accept the full responsibility to do so in an ethical and loving way, not to sneak around behind anyone’s back.
I recently visited my parents, and in the course of several conversations with my mother, I’ve begun to develop a way of thinking about the proper relationship between sexuality and religion. I was once severely homophobic, and held the belief that sexuality was a matter of choice, which clearly made it a matter of morality. However, my transsexual journey has taught me that sexuality, like gender, is inborn, not chosen: the choice is in how to express it. Therefore, if one is behaving in alignment with one’s God-given sexuality, how can it be a matter of morality, unless one is subverting it? So for me, the error is in thinking of sexuality as a matter of religious morality, rather than as an inborn trait. Morality, to me, asks, “Would your actions, if known to everyone, hurt anyone?” My honest answer to that currently is “No.” If I ever answer “Yes” to that question, I’ll know I have a moral/ethical problem to solve. The Bible, after all, says (in Genesis): “And God created man in His own image… Male and Female He created them.” Now, this can be read in a number of different ways, but to me, it says that God is infinitely diverse, and created mankind in our diversity so we might be closer to Him – so we might understand Him better. So far, we haven’t done so well with that, but maybe we’ll do better in the future.
I’m painfully aware that my Mother Church is widely seen as homophobic, hegemonic, misogynistic and patriarchal. I’ve met many practicing Catholics who struggle to reconcile their faith with their sexuality. I live with the knowledge that if my sexuality and life choices become known to the clergy with whom I work I could be separated from the Church I’ve loved all my life. I hope that my long service to the Church would help to shield me from such an eventuality; however, I know that others have not been so lucky. I have high hopes that Pope Francis may find a way to move this dialog forward, and I pray for the day when I can bring my whole self to church, just as I bring my whole self to work.
Colleen is a freelance writer, poet, musician and spiritual person, doing her best to live her truth as authentically as she can and contemplating her place in the universe.