By Zuzi
“OK. And now what?” This was the first question on my mind after I came to a bi identity. Identifying as bisexual did not come with an amazing “Oh, la la,” nor with the fireworks seen in films, but rather with a deep, deep breath. “OK, I am bisexual and now I know.”
My life would continue the same as before. I was an old bisexual woman in a heterosexual marriage who for a long time had known she was different and tried to figure out why. I continued on the same path as before, reading the same books, doing the same work, listening to the same type of music, talking with the same type of people. The only difference was that I was no longer driven to search and research and explore who I was, because now I knew. I could potentially be attracted to someone of my own gender – or not – at some point.
My new identity came with peacefulness but also a sense of danger, because I knew that I could be rejected, hated and perceived as a threat to both heterosexuals and gays. However, I was confident that it would not happen to me, because I knew that I was a good person, and if people had accepted me before, they would accept me now.
But the real truth was that as soon as I identified myself openly as bisexual, I found a very tiny path of acceptance and support. It was suggested to me directly or indirectly that I should choose a side. Since coming out, it has been hard, with screwed up reactions from one side or another, leaving me caught between. If you don’t have the confidence that your identity is OK as is, coming out can be a potentially dangerous place. At least for me it was and remains so. And it seems the majority of people that I meet are bisexual, living a straight or gay life, but bisexual.
Acknowledging my bisexuality was for me not a transition to something else. Open bisexual identity – at least for me – came with peace and relief and also with a sense of scariness and danger and a need to watch my back lest I get screwed by both parts of the spectrum in a way that I had never experienced before. It is a really tough place to be, but at least you know who you are and know that there is nothing wrong with it! To be bisexual is beautiful.
Zuzi is a middle-aged registered nurse in a heterosexual marriage who has lived in Europe, the US and Canada.