By Gia Choquette
Teachers and mentors come in many different forms—some traditional and others surprising. I consider my late friend and ex-partner, Cole, to have been my greatest teacher in regards to bisexuality. I met Cole (they/them) when I was 13 years old at a local summer nature camp, and then soon after we crossed paths again at church and at a music school where my mom taught piano and their mom taught clarinet. We never really clicked in high school, but we reconnected in college and ended up dating for a few years right after I graduated. We were both passionate about feminism and gender studies, which led to us becoming better friends as we discussed what we were learning in our respective undergrad programs.
At the time, I identified as straight despite having had a few crushes on girls, as I did not yet know Robyn Ochs’s fabulous definition of bisexuality as recognizing in oneself “the potential to be attracted to people of more than one gender…not necessarily to the same degree.” I am attracted to men more frequently than women, so I felt I didn’t “count” as bi. Cole, however, was bi and came out to me through a text where they explained: “I’m only out to people I trust and know are cool :)”.
Cole and I both loved books and would share book lists, recommending different authors to each other. Around the time we began dating, they lent me the book Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner. I initially read the book out of my interest in feminism and gender studies and also with the intention of learning more about bisexuality to be a supportive partner to Cole. It was through this book that I first read Robyn Ochs’s definition of bisexuality and began to feel more open to claiming the “bi” label for myself. I loved the fluidity of bisexuality and I loved its radical potential. Like Cole, I continue to only be out to “people I trust and know are cool.”
When our relationship ended in 2018, I carried everything I learned from them about bisexuality with me. Cole tragically passed away in a hiking accident a few years ago. We fell out of touch soon after our breakup, but how they shaped my self-understanding and world-view has remained an indelible part of who I am. In their short 29 years, they lived with an incredible passion for life, for knowledge, for social justice, and for making the world a better place. They were a soulmate and a teacher from whom I learned how to truly embrace bisexuality, and I feel that they live on in our bi+ community, in all those who knew and loved them, and in me.
Gia Choquette is a graduate student living in central Massachusetts with her boyfriend and their cat, Nyx.
“Cole” is a pseudonym.